The Art of Avoidance

The Art of Avoidance

by Myriam Maytorena

Are you faced with an overwhelming sense of pressure? Does the world seem to be giving you to many darn lemons? And, are you tired of making lemonade? Perhaps it is time to develop a new coping skill – The Art of Avoidance.So often we hear the words, handle things now or they will just get more intense. That is basically a lie. Most issues or problems have a way of solving themselves in time without our intervention. And as my Mother used to say: “A hundred years it won’t matter.” In fact, most things won’t matter in a week, or a year,or in ten years. It is just our desire to havea sense of control in the midst of chaos that drivesus to try and take charge of everything from the coffee making in the morning to getting the bills paid on yime.

While many day-to-day things require our attention, the ones that we don’t have the resources to handle orthe ones that just keep nagging on our heads with no possible resolution do nothing but create stress and discomfort.I am not one for ignoring the elephant in the living roomand pretending it doesn’t exist as they describe in Alcoholics Anonymous.In fact, I think it is important to face the dysfunctionality in our personal lives and to create a sense of healing in our lives. However, ifone is going over and over a problem or issue without the desire to make changes, one might as well forget about itTo avoid an issue until one has time to effectively deal with, is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a delay tactic to use until you havethe resources to make the habit changes on needs to improve one’s life. Also, when one chooses toevoke the Art of Avoidance, it is important to realize it is a delay tactic and not a permanent solution.

The Art of Avoidance empowers you to make some important choices. Remember that not to make a decision IS a decision.When you get down to the underlying issues in problems, there is usuallya situation that involves either assertiveness or setting boundaries.Many of the stressors in life have to do with not being able or being afraid to say NO. Not being able to makea choice that requires saying NO to someone we care aboutsets up a sense of inner dissonance. For example,a spouse is spending too much money and you feel financially threatened. Usually it means that the conflictlies between being a “good” person and giving to one whom we love and the reality of financial responsibility.Or sometimes we have gotten ourselves into debt and don’t have the money that is needed to pay our bills. Then the conflict comes from feeling bad about our pastactions and not knowing how to solve the issue.

When too many conflicts and responsibilities begin tocrash in on us we have to make some choices as to which ones we will attend to first. Also, we have to realize those issues that we don’t know how to solve and to seek outprofessional advice or counsel in order to get things back in balance and in order.However, once we have prioritized what needs to be addressed first, second, third and so forth, to continue to worry about it don’t help anyone and can definitely harm us by creating unhealthy stress and depression.Learning the Art of Avoidance, means to learn to think in a more rationale and self-empowering manner. The first step is giving up that useless and harmful emotion called guilt.The only function of guilt is to control behaviors. It is usually created by our culture,our society andlargely by our family and friends. We react when our “buttons” are pushed.As a dear friend once said: “Family is great at pushing our buttons. They installed them.” Thus, to get into a state of equilibrium and balance oneneeds to become aware of the “buttons” and remain vigilant so that our responses are based upon reality and not learned behaviors. You can usually tell a button is being pushed when you hear someone in your environment,including you, using the word: “Should.” You might try this little exercise in self-empowerment and reducing guilt:

If you meant to do something and it has negative consequences,and you think that you “should” have done something different,then the next time when you are in the same situation,change your responses and your behaviors.

If you are in a situation, and an accidental response creates a negative result, then just choose not to allow yourself to respond in the same way the next time.

If you mean to do something that is perceived with anegative result and you meant to do it,don’t waste timebeing a wimp and saying that you didn’t mean to do it.

In other words, if you lie to your Mother to keep from hurting her feelings in order to not go out to lunchwith her, suck it up and don’t use that phony “should” in processing the information.The biggest skill in using the Art of Avoidance, is to eliminate to the best of your ability negative or toxic people or situations from your life. If you belong to groups,organizations, or even a job that is constantly creating stress and discomfort for you, create a strategy to change the situation. The job is too much, then print out that resume and look for another one but make sure that you are looking for work that will allow you to avoid the situations or types of people that create discomfort. If you have been friends with someone for a long time, but they constantly make you feel used or unhappy, avoid them. If you belong to an internet group and there is a person on the list that just pushes your buttons, then put a block on their email address in your email program or resign from the list. If you belong to an organization that seems to be too demanding of your time or the folks do not respect your limits, then either learn to say no or walk away. If your spouse drives you nuts or your kids,you mightfind it harder to avoid them, but you might want to seek counseling so that you don’t feel like a victim.

Sometimes the greatest Art of Avoidance is to justwalk away from situations and people. At the root of the Art of Avoidance, is to avoid not being gentle or kind with YOU. There is only one person in this world who can makedecisions for you and enable you to have a contented and healthy life and that is YOU. Don’t give up your power to other people. Grab it back and avoid those people who try to dis-empower you. When you use the Art of Avoidance to navigate your life realizing that it is often a temporary situation, eventually you will find that you are more energized, happy and content and that you will become less filled with guilt,anger and hurtToday, begin to make the life you desire. One that is authentic, transparent and affirms yourevolving spirituality. If someone tries to stop you, just avoid them