The Art of Avoidance

The Art of Avoidance

by Myriam Maytorena

Are you faced with an overwhelming sense of pressure? Does the world seem to be giving you to many darn lemons? And, are you tired of making lemonade? Perhaps it is time to develop a new coping skill – The Art of Avoidance.So often we hear the words, handle things now or they will just get more intense. That is basically a lie. Most issues or problems have a way of solving themselves in time without our intervention. And as my Mother used to say: “A hundred years it won’t matter.” In fact, most things won’t matter in a week, or a year,or in ten years. It is just our desire to havea sense of control in the midst of chaos that drivesus to try and take charge of everything from the coffee making in the morning to getting the bills paid on yime.

While many day-to-day things require our attention, the ones that we don’t have the resources to handle orthe ones that just keep nagging on our heads with no possible resolution do nothing but create stress and discomfort.I am not one for ignoring the elephant in the living roomand pretending it doesn’t exist as they describe in Alcoholics Anonymous.In fact, I think it is important to face the dysfunctionality in our personal lives and to create a sense of healing in our lives. However, ifone is going over and over a problem or issue without the desire to make changes, one might as well forget about itTo avoid an issue until one has time to effectively deal with, is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a delay tactic to use until you havethe resources to make the habit changes on needs to improve one’s life. Also, when one chooses toevoke the Art of Avoidance, it is important to realize it is a delay tactic and not a permanent solution.

The Art of Avoidance empowers you to make some important choices. Remember that not to make a decision IS a decision.When you get down to the underlying issues in problems, there is usuallya situation that involves either assertiveness or setting boundaries.Many of the stressors in life have to do with not being able or being afraid to say NO. Not being able to makea choice that requires saying NO to someone we care aboutsets up a sense of inner dissonance. For example,a spouse is spending too much money and you feel financially threatened. Usually it means that the conflictlies between being a “good” person and giving to one whom we love and the reality of financial responsibility.Or sometimes we have gotten ourselves into debt and don’t have the money that is needed to pay our bills. Then the conflict comes from feeling bad about our pastactions and not knowing how to solve the issue.

When too many conflicts and responsibilities begin tocrash in on us we have to make some choices as to which ones we will attend to first. Also, we have to realize those issues that we don’t know how to solve and to seek outprofessional advice or counsel in order to get things back in balance and in order.However, once we have prioritized what needs to be addressed first, second, third and so forth, to continue to worry about it don’t help anyone and can definitely harm us by creating unhealthy stress and depression.Learning the Art of Avoidance, means to learn to think in a more rationale and self-empowering manner. The first step is giving up that useless and harmful emotion called guilt.The only function of guilt is to control behaviors. It is usually created by our culture,our society andlargely by our family and friends. We react when our “buttons” are pushed.As a dear friend once said: “Family is great at pushing our buttons. They installed them.” Thus, to get into a state of equilibrium and balance oneneeds to become aware of the “buttons” and remain vigilant so that our responses are based upon reality and not learned behaviors. You can usually tell a button is being pushed when you hear someone in your environment,including you, using the word: “Should.” You might try this little exercise in self-empowerment and reducing guilt:

If you meant to do something and it has negative consequences,and you think that you “should” have done something different,then the next time when you are in the same situation,change your responses and your behaviors.

If you are in a situation, and an accidental response creates a negative result, then just choose not to allow yourself to respond in the same way the next time.

If you mean to do something that is perceived with anegative result and you meant to do it,don’t waste timebeing a wimp and saying that you didn’t mean to do it.

In other words, if you lie to your Mother to keep from hurting her feelings in order to not go out to lunchwith her, suck it up and don’t use that phony “should” in processing the information.The biggest skill in using the Art of Avoidance, is to eliminate to the best of your ability negative or toxic people or situations from your life. If you belong to groups,organizations, or even a job that is constantly creating stress and discomfort for you, create a strategy to change the situation. The job is too much, then print out that resume and look for another one but make sure that you are looking for work that will allow you to avoid the situations or types of people that create discomfort. If you have been friends with someone for a long time, but they constantly make you feel used or unhappy, avoid them. If you belong to an internet group and there is a person on the list that just pushes your buttons, then put a block on their email address in your email program or resign from the list. If you belong to an organization that seems to be too demanding of your time or the folks do not respect your limits, then either learn to say no or walk away. If your spouse drives you nuts or your kids,you mightfind it harder to avoid them, but you might want to seek counseling so that you don’t feel like a victim.

Sometimes the greatest Art of Avoidance is to justwalk away from situations and people. At the root of the Art of Avoidance, is to avoid not being gentle or kind with YOU. There is only one person in this world who can makedecisions for you and enable you to have a contented and healthy life and that is YOU. Don’t give up your power to other people. Grab it back and avoid those people who try to dis-empower you. When you use the Art of Avoidance to navigate your life realizing that it is often a temporary situation, eventually you will find that you are more energized, happy and content and that you will become less filled with guilt,anger and hurtToday, begin to make the life you desire. One that is authentic, transparent and affirms yourevolving spirituality. If someone tries to stop you, just avoid them

Is your mind full?

In the course of living and following our path through time and space, are we mindful of what we are experiencing or are we mindless. Sometimes we get so caught up in making our life a routine to accomplish the small and the big, we forget to engage our senses to the greatest possible awareness and intensity of both pleasure and pain. It is like one just puts one foot in front of the other and forget that life has a rhythm and pattern for us to dance not just plod on till death do us part.

Awakening from the mindless routine of the day by day tasks can be overwhelming at times because there is so much stimuli in our society and world today. It is like we had to shut down part of our perceptions or we would go mad. However, in escaping the intensity of chaos, we lose our passions and our ability to truly feel pleasure. Oh we might smile or laugh and even giggle, but when we choose to disengage from our reaction to our environment we lose the beauty that surrounds us.

It does not take much to begin to live in the pleasure zone again without being disengaged by the over whelming intricacies of life. Starting out easy is the best way to recover our zest for experience and intensity. Think about what you do when you eat. Are you mindful of the taste, texture and pleasure that can be derived by just this simple action in life. Spend the next 30 days just paying attention to all of the senses involved in savoring what you are putting in your mouth. Slow down and be mindful of the experience of fueling your body. Even if you are going through the drive through to get a burger, stop and park and slowly experience what you are eating and drinking.

Being mindful does not mean you have a full mind that can't process and experience limitless data. You will always have the room in your brain to experience the "now" completely. Research has shown that it is easier to adjust to increased stimuli then to adjust to a decrease in stimuli so you have psychological advantages to increase your attention span to what you are doing at the moment. The pursuit of happiness is a constitutional right but are you taking command in order to exercise this right.

Being mindfull of our world increases our pleasure potential. Mindless routines decrease our pleasure potential.

Be mindful of what you do today. The life you save may be your own.

Forgive your way to health

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." -Buddha

The wisdom of anger management is perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself to extend your longevity. Research has shown that one of the signs of a long and happy life is the ability to acknowledge one's emotions of anger, and then, to forgive and to forget.

Often we think that we have forgiven someone but we do not forget. Then along will come some small little incident and we will be prompted to remember the time that we were hurt. We will experience resentment - or, re-feel the hurt again. We will have the same physiological responses as when we were first angered. Our blood pressure will rise, blood will rush to the center of our body, and we will be ready to re-experience that fight or flight posture. This antiquated survival mechanism of our ancestors that enabled them to survive puts us at risk for cardiovascular disease and other types of illness.

However, learning to forgive and forget is not easy. In fact, it is very difficult. We have to constantly practice forgiving in order to make it a healthy habit.

When you become angry, acknowledge that you are experiencing a moment of hurt or feel threatened. Observe your physical and emotional response to the event. Then breathe in deeply and then breathe out. Consciously observe your breathing until it becomes steady and regulated. This will increase oxygen in your system and assist you in relaxing and coming to a more detached state of mind.

A detached state of mind is where you can manage and change your own emotional responses that are usually learned behaviors.
When I was young, I was terribly frightened to get up in front of an audience. The very idea of having people stare at me would make me ill. I was experiencing the physiological effects of fear. I was naming my response fear. However, as I learned to detach myself and observe my reactions, I realized that fear and excitement have the same physiological responses. I then started to change the way that I labeled my "feelings" and each time before I was going to do something that I would have before used the self-talk "I am afraid", I now switched my self-talk to "I am excited." The difference this made was amazing. From being afraid to talk in public (which is one of the greatest fears reported by folks in surveys) I got excited by the prospect. I could feel my juices flowing. The power of fear over my interactions with a group was conquered.

The same reality of behavior management is true for anger. If you find yourself becoming an observer of your behavior you will find the cues that evoke this feeling and you will be able to rationally look at it and choose how you will label the experience and how you will react. If you have trouble, you can check at your local mental health clinic or community college and take a class in assertiveness training. It was in learning these techniques and then teaching them at university, that brought me the power to over come anger and reduce my stress level.

Emotions are either a blessing or a curse to our health. Happiness and joy in life expand our time and improve our health. Forgiveness is one of the contributors to happiness and joy. Fear, anger, and hurt are destroyers of health and contribute to shortening our life.

If you will choose to live long and happy, you will take the steps that you need to now to live your life with control and power over your negative emotions.

Today: Choose forgiveness and health.

A Thorny Thought

All our lives we hear: "Stop and smell the roses." As we age we naturally slow down albeit not always with graceful acceptance. It is very easy go to the negative side of being by focusing on the thorns of our lives rather than the roses. Perhaps, today, it is time to become the rose. Whether you are a bud that is tightly wound and less fragrant or if you are a full blown glorious rose sharing your glorious inner energy with all that you meet is not necessarily as much about age as maturity.

We all age. It is reality. It is inevitable. However, have we matured? Have we imbibed in the wonders of our lives so that we exude a heady bouquet that fills the senses of all those who come into our lives?

Have you ever heard someone say, in either a mocking or gentle manner, "Well, you just have to ignore Aunty, she is in her second childhood?" Many of us never had a first childhood much less a second childhood. Now is the time to embrace the wonder that is you. If you were not particularly nurtured as a child, you might feel a bit stunted in your growth. You could even be physically challenged because of poor nutrition from childhood. However, it is never to late to sip upon the sweet nectar of life with the reckless abandon of a child or the pure joy of child-like creativity. I observed this in my own mother, Miss Ruth. As she aged she became more sweet and, in fact, people would comment on how cute she was. At first this reference to an older woman as cute bothered me but as I experienced vicariously the aging process through my mother I realized that cute meant that she had a sweet essence about her. She was the essence of a delectable rose in full bloom and as her body grew weaker her spirt shined more brilliantly through her increasingly transparent skin.

As I ripen with age, it is my goal to become the rose not to observe the roses around me. This is not to say that one wants to ignore the outer world but as we age pruning and tending our inner garden is even more important. When you place a tough shell around you to protect your inner soul, with time, that shell will start to crack and fall away. It is important to work dilligently, no matter what our age, to become more and more filled with the wonder of life and become increasingly more transluscent so that our life light or soul may bring a sense of comfort and joy to self and to others.

I have decided that it is good to be a cute full-blooming rose.

A New View for a New You

Each day is a glorious opportunity to live and enjoy.

Today I will let the past die -all the undone things,all the misjudged things...

Today, there are new pleasures,new challenges,new magic.

Ruth Carter Stapleton

Are you creating emotional and spirtual scars? There comes a time, maybe many different times as we go through the stages of life, when it is good to review and renew our perception of who we are and who we were and who we will become. However, if we are constantly picking on the pains of the past we are, in effect, creating wounds to our being.


My dear sister Glenna shared a story recently about a mutal friend who had been hurt by a slight by a life-long friendship. As Glenna's friend shared her pain several thoughts emerged as the gist of the experience. One, "I have known this woman since school and we have never had an arguement." Two, "I will forgive her but I will never forget how she hurt me." Glenna's dear friend is setting herself up for a deep wound and a scarring of her emotional and spiritual self.


If you have had a friend for more than a year and you have never had a disagreement whether civil or uncivil, you do not have an honest relationship. While honesty theoretically is the best policy, in the real world a fuzzy honesty is the best policy. While one can choose to be direct and honest one can choose to do it with kindness and love. And, one of my truths is absolute truth is absolutely impossible. Perception colors our truths and if I trust you I trust what you say and I know that you trust me enough to speak how I feel about something without being offended. And, if we are developing friendships that last a long time we learn whether overtly or intuitively what is a good thing to share with a person you are close to and what is a no-no. It is important to remember that not being "brutally" honest is a better choice if it is going to cause pain to another.

As an aside, it is a given that if someone is hurting you or pushing your buttons you have to be able to set your boundaries. Good walls build good neighbors and friends and relationships as long as they are not built so high that they obscure the view of you are. Sometimes we think we are friends with folks and it turns out that we are friends with the masks that they present to the world and not aware of the multi-dimensional qualities of what makes them unique and precious. It is good for all walls to have gates that we can open and let those who have earned our trust enter our inner sanctum.

Have you really forgiven someone if you are not able to forget? Do you relish pain so much that you are addicted to storing up hurt and resentment? To resent means to re-feel something. I personally believe that it is to my detriment to not forget the hurt and to get on with the healing process and not the scarring process.

When I was young

I often knew
That love and hate

Were one in two

When I became a woman

I put away childish toys.

Myriam 1970s

I learned early that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you choose to continue the pain, the anger, the resentment, you are continuing to walk the fine line of love and hate and are unable to let go of past attachments (or current attachments) that are not self-empowering. You have the power to choose how you feel and respond to then, now, and tomorrow. You will not change the past (well that is another philosophical can of worms for later.) but you can choose what you will focus on in your past and that you will treasure the pleasure and toss the trash (even that ex-husband) so that your feel alive and renewed in the awareness that who you are is totally a choice for you to make. It is not your mother's choice. It is not your father's choice. It is not your high school friend who stole your boyfriend. It is not your spouse's choice (past, present or future). It is not your kids' choice. It is your choice.

Today, choose well your view of you. It is amazing how just this shift in perception is a magic potion that will wipe away or diminish the emotional and spiritual scars that happen along the way to becoming who you are today.

That's the way it was, is, and will be

When there was all the talk about Michael Jackson I kind of tuned out a bit because I was not generationally engaged. But with the passing of Walter Cronkite I was walking along the path to past memories.

• I like Ike
• Vietnam
• Civil Rights and Martin Luther King
• We choose to go the moon
• We travel to where no man (or woman) has gone before
• The Kennedy Years

Memory after memory flooded over me and through me. I think what I liked most about the news when I was growing up is that it was about reporting and not watching the smackdown pundits. I think what I like about the communication of today is that anyone with a computer and internet access can find a place to express one's opinion. That can lead to information overload but it can also lead to an exacerbation of critical mass which leads us out of entropy into important global paradigm shifts.

Like Momma said: "If you live long enough you can see everything and anything." I am rather awed by how far we have come since she was born in 1906 (10 years before Uncle Walter) but I am more awed by how far we will come in another hundred or two hundred years if we don't blow ourselves up or we avoid a meteor or if scientist and thinkers discover how to cool the earth by sucking up the cold water of the ocean to the surface and changing climate by directed and scientific intent... Wonder if they will mess it up? Wouldn't it be fun to see what the outcome would be.

I am remembering the stories of Mammy Helen Williams who gave birth to Grandma Nora Ford 1902 telling me about the first time she looked up from the Kentucky mountains and saw her first airplane. I also remember her telling me about smoking "wacky tobacky" and today Californians are trying to legalize and tax pot to save their economy.

I think I have reached a good time in my life where I can look backwards, forwards, inwards and sometimes just sit and be in the moment as I watch a cardinal land on a tree outside my window with a background of the Blue Ridge Mountains.

As Rita from New Orleans used to always say "It's all good."

I have always been delighted atthe prospect of a new day,a fresh try,one more start,with perhaps a bit of magicwaiting somewhere behind the morning.~ J. B. Priestly

Sage of the New Age

"I am learning all the time.The tombstone will be my diploma." --Eartha Kitt

When you stop learning and fight change, you stop living. You might as well be dead because your mind has gone into a vegetative state of status quo hibernation.

My mother-in-law is getting ready to go on sabbatical. One of her projects will be to write a book based upon her research. Like she said, "If you don't use it, you lose it"

There is no other sector of our lives where this is more important than in the process of day to day learning. Making learning a habit is one of the greatest anti-aging strategies that one can adopt.

When I was at University, my focus was on development and change over the life-span with a particular emphasis on how adults and seniors cope with change. One of the most important factors that emerged was the need for a lifelong process of learning. If learning stops when we hang up our cap and gown, our intelligence will slowly start to diminish. However, if we continue to engage in challenging learning activities, IQ is one measure that actually improves with age.

Since 1900, nearly 30 years have been added to the life expectancy of individuals born in the United States, and, in the past 35 years, the number of individuals age 65 and over has expanded from 8 to 12 percent as a proportion of the total U.S. population (Lamdin and Fugate 1997). A number of factors, such as the eradication of childhood diseases, advances in medical care, and a decline in fertility rates following the postwar baby boom, have converged to create the statistical aging of the population (Manheimer, Snodgrass, and Moskow-McKenzie 1995). Furthermore, the trend of increasing numbers of older adults as a proportion of the total population is expected to continue: by 2030 a total of 20 percent of the United States' population will be age 65 or over (Lamdin and Fugate 1997). Greater numbers of older adults have stimulated discussions about how the graying of America will affect future economic and social conditions, including education.

For many years scientists believed humans were born with a certain number of brain cells that die off as we age. But recent studies have brought forth a growing body of evidence that new brain cells will form at any age if the brain is challenged and exercised and as stated above we not only grow older we can grow smarter.

When we see and hear so much about disabilities in the elderly, it would be wise to keep in mind that statistics show the vast majority of older people are in good shape, better than ever before in human history. Decline is not inevitable.

The amount and kind of learning in which older adults engage is a trend of interest to educators. A study (Lamdin and Fugate 1997) that examined all types of older adult learning "revealed that older people are learning in numbers and amounts of time expended at a rate far exceeding even [the researchers'] expectations" (p. 85). Respondents in this study spent an average of 27.86 hours per month in informal (nonclassroom-based or self-directed) learning, and 17.75 hours per month in formal (classrooms or other organized settings). A review of studies of participation in formal or organized adult education programs revealed that, although the "actual number and percentage of participants [of older adults] is still rather modest," it is expected to grow (Manheimer, Snodgrass, and Moskow-McKenzie, 1995, pp. 15-16). Currently, the largest percentage of individuals age 55 and over is in noncredit, continuing education.
The plethora of information available over the Internet both about and for older adults is a third trend related to older adults with implications for educators. Many older adults are defying the stereotype that computers are for the young and are actively engaged in using the Internet as both consumers and producers of information (e.g., Dixon 1997; Lawhon, Ennis, and Lawhon 1996). In addition, information about many aspects of aging can be found on the Internet (Post 1997). The use of the Internet by older adults is consistent with the kind of education in which they tend to engage--informal or noncredit--and educators need to consider how they can use it to support and/or deliver educational programming for older adults.

Psychologically many of us are programmed to think that when one retires from a profession that life is over. However, as my Father stated, "Retirement is getting four new tires and starting over again." The metaphor for aging is changing and many adults over the ages of 50, 60, 70 and beyond are taking on the challenge of maintaining a life of enrichment and learning pleasure.

While there are some biological events that occur that can create difficulties such as more difficulty with language acquisition, vision changes, short-term memory barriers, and reaction time, there are ways to compensate for these events. We can go on to offer to the world a new era of the "The Wise Man and The Wise Woman."

Following are a few tips to improve memory and cognition over the life span. There are also ways to improve brain function and complexity.

1. Breathe. Learning to breathe correctly increases the oxygen content to the brain and makes it more vital and healthy.

2. Exercise. Walking and other aerobic exercises increase oxygen content and circulation and improve cognition.

3. Mediation: Meditation decreases tension and relaxes the body and creates a greater self-awareness of the true condition and potential of the body. Plus it makes one less stressed and focused. Focus is an important part of short-term memory.

4. Herbal Supplements: There are decreases in certain mineral and vitamin potential in the aging body. The addition of sensible supplements will increase mental and physical acuity. (I for one could not function with out Ginko Biloba to help my short-term memory or without Melatonin to improve and regulate my sleep cycle.)

5. Taking Charge. Not giving up one's power and decision-making in one's life is the most important factor in the psychology of aging. Many folks will find that their kids try to change rolls with them. Well say NO. I may be 50, 60, 70 or, even, 100 but I am still the Mom or the Dad. Retain your sense of being in control in your life.

6. Be responsible for something beside yourself. A plant, animals, grandchildren -- responsibility for any other living organism outside of self promotes longevity and improves cognition.

7. Read something that you disagree with at least once a week and think through why you might be right or might be wrong in your assumptions.

8. Challenge people when they treat you with that veiled respect that is really solicitous ageism.

9. Volunteer. Be involved outside yourself in mentoring and helping others.

10. Be a friend and develop a strong core of friendships. Don't count on your family to be your only support system.

11. Celebrate reaching a time when you can be like a child in that your focus on world can return to the center of self rather than the center of society! You now have grown them babies and received that gold retirement watch and you can explore self you never had time to do before.

12. Create a new mission or concept about your life. I like this one. "Every day in every way I am better and better and better."

In a series of studies involving adults of various ages, psychologists found that people are least open to changing their views during their middle adult years. The studies by Penny S. Visser, PhD, of Princeton University, and Jon Krosnick, PhD, of Ohio State University, are featured in the December issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 75, No. 6, p. 13891410). The results indicate that the rising number of elderly in this country could create a large population of people who easily shift their viewpoints on various issues, the researchers speculate. That could create volatility in public opinion, especially in times of great public debate such as elections, they say.

As we move into our golden years and prepare for our diamond years and our platinum years and our whatever years think in a forward direction. Recognize the power that we as a population of wise older persons have over our own destiny and over the policies of our country.

Most important, at any age, is to have a dream. My mother is 97 years old. She has osteoporosis and is in pain. Her mind is like a razor. She has a plan to be on television on her 100th birthday, which will fall on Mother's Day. At 80 something she built a more comfortable home for her old age. [Mother died soon after this was originally published.] She continues to plan for the future. Plans and goals make dreams reality. It is the reality of knowing that dreams can still come true that improves our potential to become the "Sage of our Society."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."------Dr. Seuss

***copyright 2002 Myriam Maytorena