Monday, July 27, 2009

A Thorny Thought


All our lives we hear: "Stop and smell the roses." As we age we naturally slow down albeit not always with graceful acceptance. It is very easy go to the negative side of being by focusing on the thorns of our lives rather than the roses. Perhaps, today, it is time to become the rose. Whether you are a bud that is tightly wound and less fragrant or if you are a full blown glorious rose sharing your glorious inner energy with all that you meet is not necessarily as much about age as maturity.


We all age. It is reality. It is inevitable. However, have we matured? Have we imbibed in the wonders of our lives so that we exude a heady bouquet that fills the senses of all those who come into our lives?


Have you ever heard someone say, in either a mocking or gentle manner, "Well, you just have to ignore Aunty, she is in her second childhood?" Many of us never had a first childhood much less a second childhood. Now is the time to embrace the wonder that is you. If you were not particularly nurtured as a child, you might feel a bit stunted in your growth. You could even be physically challenged because of poor nutrition from childhood. However, it is never to late to sip upon the sweet nectar of life with the reckless abandon of a child or the pure joy of child-like creativity. I observed this in my own mother, Miss Ruth. As she aged she became more sweet and, in fact, people would comment on how cute she was. At first this reference to an older woman as cute bothered me but as I experienced vicariously the aging process through my mother I realized that cute meant that she had a sweet essence about her. She was the essence of a delectable rose in full bloom and as her body grew weaker her spirt shined more brilliantly through her increasingly transparent skin.


As I ripen with age, it is my goal to become the rose not to observe the roses around me. This is not to say that one wants to ignore the outer world but as we age pruning and tending our inner garden is even more important. When you place a tough shell around you to protect your inner soul, with time, that shell will start to crack and fall away. It is important to work dilligently, no matter what our age, to become more and more filled with the wonder of life and become increasingly more transluscent so that our life light or soul may bring a sense of comfort and joy to self and to others.


I have decided that it is good to be a cute full-blooming rose.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A New View for a New You

Each day is a glorious opportunity to live and enjoy.

Today I will let the past die -all the undone things,all the misjudged things...

Today, there are new pleasures,new challenges,new magic.

Ruth Carter Stapleton


Are you creating emotional and spirtual scars? There comes a time, maybe many different times as we go through the stages of life, when it is good to review and renew our perception of who we are and who we were and who we will become. However, if we are constantly picking on the pains of the past we are, in effect, creating wounds to our being.


My dear sister Glenna shared a story recently about a mutal friend who had been hurt by a slight by a life-long friendship. As Glenna's friend shared her pain several thoughts emerged as the gist of the experience. One, "I have known this woman since school and we have never had an arguement." Two, "I will forgive her but I will never forget how she hurt me." Glenna's dear friend is setting herself up for a deep wound and a scarring of her emotional and spiritual self.


If you have had a friend for more than a year and you have never had a disagreement whether civil or uncivil, you do not have an honest relationship. While honesty theoretically is the best policy, in the real world a fuzzy honesty is the best policy. While one can choose to be direct and honest one can choose to do it with kindness and love. And, one of my truths is absolute truth is absolutely impossible. Perception colors our truths and if I trust you I trust what you say and I know that you trust me enough to speak how I feel about something without being offended. And, if we are developing friendships that last a long time we learn whether overtly or intuitively what is a good thing to share with a person you are close to and what is a no-no. It is important to remember that not being "brutally" honest is a better choice if it is going to cause pain to another.

As an aside, it is a given that if someone is hurting you or pushing your buttons you have to be able to set your boundaries. Good walls build good neighbors and friends and relationships as long as they are not built so high that they obscure the view of you are. Sometimes we think we are friends with folks and it turns out that we are friends with the masks that they present to the world and not aware of the multi-dimensional qualities of what makes them unique and precious. It is good for all walls to have gates that we can open and let those who have earned our trust enter our inner sanctum.

Have you really forgiven someone if you are not able to forget? Do you relish pain so much that you are addicted to storing up hurt and resentment? To resent means to re-feel something. I personally believe that it is to my detriment to not forget the hurt and to get on with the healing process and not the scarring process.


When I was young
I often knew
That love and hate
Were one in two
When I became a woman
I put away childish toys.
Myriam 1970s

I learned early that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you choose to continue the pain, the anger, the resentment, you are continuing to walk the fine line of love and hate and are unable to let go of past attachments (or current attachments) that are not self-empowering. You have the power to choose how you feel and respond to then, now, and tomorrow. You will not change the past (well that is another philosophical can of worms for later.) but you can choose what you will focus on in your past and that you will treasure the pleasure and toss the trash (even that ex-husband) so that your feel alive and renewed in the awareness that who you are is totally a choice for you to make. It is not your mother's choice. It is not your father's choice. It is not your high school friend who stole your boyfriend. It is not your spouse's choice (past, present or future). It is not your kids' choice. It is your choice.

Today, choose well your view of you. It is amazing how just this shift in perception is a magic potion that will wipe away or diminish the emotional and spiritual scars that happen along the way to becoming who you are today.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

That's the way it was, is, and will be

When there was all the talk about Michael Jackson I kind of tuned out a bit because I was not generationally engaged. But with the passing of Walter Cronkite I was walking along the path to past memories.

  • I like Ike
  • Vietnam
  • Civil Rights and Martin Luther King
  • We choose to go the moon
  • We travel to where no man (or woman) has gone before
  • The Kennedy Years

Memory after memory flooded over me and through me. I think what I liked most about the news when I was growing up is that it was about reporting and not watching the smackdown pundits. I think what I like about the communication of today is that anyone with a computer and internet access can find a place to express one's opinion. That can lead to information overload but it can also lead to an exacerbation of critical mass which leads us out of entropy into important global paradigm shifts.

Like Momma said: "If you live long enough you can see everything and anything." I am rather awed by how far we have come since she was born in 1906 (10 years before Uncle Walter) but I am more awed by how far we will come in another hundred or two hundred years if we don't blow ourselves up or we avoid a meteor or if scientist and thinkers discover how to cool the earth by sucking up the cold water of the ocean to the surface and changing climate by directed and scientific intent... Wonder if they will mess it up? Wouldn't it be fun to see what the outcome would be.

I am remembering the stories of Mammy Helen Williams who gave birth to Grandma Nora Ford 1902 telling me about the first time she looked up from the Kentucky mountains and saw her first airplane. I also remember her telling me about smoking "wacky tobacky" and today Californians are trying to legalize and tax pot to save their economy.

I think I have reached a good time in my life where I can look backwards, forwards, inwards and sometimes just sit and be in the moment as I watch a cardinal land on a tree outside my window with a background of the Blue Ridge Mountains.

As Rita from New Orleans used to always say "It's all good."

I have always been delighted atthe prospect of a new day,a fresh try,one more start,with perhaps a bit of magicwaiting somewhere behind the morning.~ J. B. Priestly

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Sage of the New Age

"I am learning all the time.The tombstone will be my diploma." --Eartha Kitt

When you stop learning and fight change, you stop living. You might as well be dead because your mind has gone into a vegetative state of status quo hibernation.

My mother-in-law is getting ready to go on sabbatical. One of her projects will be to write a book based upon her research. Like she said, "If you don't use it, you lose it"

There is no other sector of our lives where this is more important than in the process of day to day learning. Making learning a habit is one of the greatest anti-aging strategies that one can adopt.

When I was at University, my focus was on development and change over the life-span with a particular emphasis on how adults and seniors cope with change. One of the most important factors that emerged was the need for a lifelong process of learning. If learning stops when we hang up our cap and gown, our intelligence will slowly start to diminish. However, if we continue to engage in challenging learning activities, IQ is one measure that actually improves with age.

Since 1900, nearly 30 years have been added to the life expectancy of individuals born in the United States, and, in the past 35 years, the number of individuals age 65 and over has expanded from 8 to 12 percent as a proportion of the total U.S. population (Lamdin and Fugate 1997). A number of factors, such as the eradication of childhood diseases, advances in medical care, and a decline in fertility rates following the postwar baby boom, have converged to create the statistical aging of the population (Manheimer, Snodgrass, and Moskow-McKenzie 1995). Furthermore, the trend of increasing numbers of older adults as a proportion of the total population is expected to continue: by 2030 a total of 20 percent of the United States' population will be age 65 or over (Lamdin and Fugate 1997). Greater numbers of older adults have stimulated discussions about how the graying of America will affect future economic and social conditions, including education.

For many years scientists believed humans were born with a certain number of brain cells that die off as we age. But recent studies have brought forth a growing body of evidence that new brain cells will form at any age if the brain is challenged and exercised and as stated above we not only grow older we can grow smarter.

When we see and hear so much about disabilities in the elderly, it would be wise to keep in mind that statistics show the vast majority of older people are in good shape, better than ever before in human history. Decline is not inevitable.

The amount and kind of learning in which older adults engage is a trend of interest to educators. A study (Lamdin and Fugate 1997) that examined all types of older adult learning "revealed that older people are learning in numbers and amounts of time expended at a rate far exceeding even [the researchers'] expectations" (p. 85). Respondents in this study spent an average of 27.86 hours per month in informal (nonclassroom-based or self-directed) learning, and 17.75 hours per month in formal (classrooms or other organized settings). A review of studies of participation in formal or organized adult education programs revealed that, although the "actual number and percentage of participants [of older adults] is still rather modest," it is expected to grow (Manheimer, Snodgrass, and Moskow-McKenzie, 1995, pp. 15-16). Currently, the largest percentage of individuals age 55 and over is in noncredit, continuing education.
The plethora of information available over the Internet both about and for older adults is a third trend related to older adults with implications for educators. Many older adults are defying the stereotype that computers are for the young and are actively engaged in using the Internet as both consumers and producers of information (e.g., Dixon 1997; Lawhon, Ennis, and Lawhon 1996). In addition, information about many aspects of aging can be found on the Internet (Post 1997). The use of the Internet by older adults is consistent with the kind of education in which they tend to engage--informal or noncredit--and educators need to consider how they can use it to support and/or deliver educational programming for older adults.

Psychologically many of us are programmed to think that when one retires from a profession that life is over. However, as my Father stated, "Retirement is getting four new tires and starting over again." The metaphor for aging is changing and many adults over the ages of 50, 60, 70 and beyond are taking on the challenge of maintaining a life of enrichment and learning pleasure.

While there are some biological events that occur that can create difficulties such as more difficulty with language acquisition, vision changes, short-term memory barriers, and reaction time, there are ways to compensate for these events. We can go on to offer to the world a new era of the "The Wise Man and The Wise Woman."

Following are a few tips to improve memory and cognition over the life span. There are also ways to improve brain function and complexity.

1. Breathe. Learning to breathe correctly increases the oxygen content to the brain and makes it more vital and healthy.

2. Exercise. Walking and other aerobic exercises increase oxygen content and circulation and improve cognition.

3. Mediation: Meditation decreases tension and relaxes the body and creates a greater self-awareness of the true condition and potential of the body. Plus it makes one less stressed and focused. Focus is an important part of short-term memory.

4. Herbal Supplements: There are decreases in certain mineral and vitamin potential in the aging body. The addition of sensible supplements will increase mental and physical acuity. (I for one could not function with out Ginko Biloba to help my short-term memory or without Melatonin to improve and regulate my sleep cycle.)

5. Taking Charge. Not giving up one's power and decision-making in one's life is the most important factor in the psychology of aging. Many folks will find that their kids try to change rolls with them. Well say NO. I may be 50, 60, 70 or, even, 100 but I am still the Mom or the Dad. Retain your sense of being in control in your life.

6. Be responsible for something beside yourself. A plant, animals, grandchildren -- responsibility for any other living organism outside of self promotes longevity and improves cognition.

7. Read something that you disagree with at least once a week and think through why you might be right or might be wrong in your assumptions.

8. Challenge people when they treat you with that veiled respect that is really solicitous ageism.

9. Volunteer. Be involved outside yourself in mentoring and helping others.

10. Be a friend and develop a strong core of friendships. Don't count on your family to be your only support system.

11. Celebrate reaching a time when you can be like a child in that your focus on world can return to the center of self rather than the center of society! You now have grown them babies and received that gold retirement watch and you can explore self you never had time to do before.

12. Create a new mission or concept about your life. I like this one. "Every day in every way I am better and better and better."

In a series of studies involving adults of various ages, psychologists found that people are least open to changing their views during their middle adult years. The studies by Penny S. Visser, PhD, of Princeton University, and Jon Krosnick, PhD, of Ohio State University, are featured in the December issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 75, No. 6, p. 13891410). The results indicate that the rising number of elderly in this country could create a large population of people who easily shift their viewpoints on various issues, the researchers speculate. That could create volatility in public opinion, especially in times of great public debate such as elections, they say.

As we move into our golden years and prepare for our diamond years and our platinum years and our whatever years think in a forward direction. Recognize the power that we as a population of wise older persons have over our own destiny and over the policies of our country.

Most important, at any age, is to have a dream. My mother is 97 years old. She has osteoporosis and is in pain. Her mind is like a razor. She has a plan to be on television on her 100th birthday, which will fall on Mother's Day. At 80 something she built a more comfortable home for her old age. [Mother died soon after this was originally published.] She continues to plan for the future. Plans and goals make dreams reality. It is the reality of knowing that dreams can still come true that improves our potential to become the "Sage of our Society."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."------Dr. Seuss

***copyright 2002 Myriam Maytorena

'tween years

It seems that I have always been a 'tween. I was between WWII and Korea. I was between the beat generation and the rock generation. I am between yesterday and tomorrow.

The meandering path of my life has been loud and chaotic at times. It has been peaceful and calm occasionally. Now it is a new between time for me. It is the time between growing older and growing old. I can assure you from LOTS of experiences that growing old is not for sissies.

I have chafed, laughed and moaned at the idea of enjoying my golden years. How do I mine the gold out of a time that can be filled with many valleys and few peaks. My sister Glenna says that all the saying about going downhill as we age is bunk... growing older is up-hill all the way. This means that aging with grace is not as important aging with tenacity.

It is now time for me to make some very important decisions. Decisions that have an impact on me now and in my future. While I loved Doris Day's song: "Que Sera Sera -- What ever will be will be", I also know that sometimes we have a direct impact on what will be and what we will become. Ram Das said "Be Here Now." That might work for the moment but in the long run, living is not a descrete sense of being but of becoming.

Well, if I am as old as I am how come I don't know the answers? The answer to that is that every good answer leads to more questions. Becoming is an unending process -- a process that is under our control during every stage of life -- even the dying process.

However, unless we wake up and recognize our own personal power during every stage of life and living, we might as well crawl under the covers and sleep or perhaps we are already experiencing "the long sleep." I now invite you to Awaken with me to experience awareness that no matter where we are, who we are, how old we are, how ill we are, how young we are -- we all have personal power to make choices. Even if the choice is as small as choosing to appreciate the next breath that we take, a choice is self-empowering. Live. Live. Live till you die is sage advice if you choose to be a sage of the new age.